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fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
FULL naked.
REAL naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!

I get naked.

FULL naked.

REAL naked.

I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.

No cookies. Blatant nudity.

That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…

And there it was.

This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.

Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.

“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”

Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”

As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.

This was, nearly, one of those.

If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.

My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.

I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:

“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”

And inquiries such as:

“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”

Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?

That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.

An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

(via goscrewaduck)

clvbpenguin:

just had the best origami during sex

(Source: clvbpenguin, via goscrewaduck)

winternetweather:

I’ve liked like 9 of your selfies how do you not get this

(Source: presidentjoey, via cutegayjewishgirl)

wellheyproductions:

the-average-gatsby:

the-average-gatsby:

imagine a horror movie where you’re trapped in your house with a serial killer but all your lights are clappers

so you’re running for your life from this psychopath while both of you are just aggressively clapping the lights on and off

out of all my 3:00 AM ramblings you guys decide to make this one popular

Let’s make this situation even better. Both of you are wearing TAP SHOES, and all of the floors are hardwood.

(via abgron)

spectromagiic:

djpaige:

But srsly though

image

If you ever find yourself in a Disney movie

image

And someone or something starts being mysteriously surrounded by lime green

image

Stay away from the thing

image

Everything lime green is evil

image

Just remember that.

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Everything lime green is evil.

image

(via ruinedchildhood)

chickenyaoi:

coolator:

the-unpopular-opinions:

One of these women is despised and hated for being awkward.
The other is applauded and worshipped for the exact same reason.
I know other factors come into play.
But something isn’t right there.

im laughing so hard what point are they trying to make?

that Kristen Stewart isn’t very “ladylike” and personable in an unfriendly way and gets heavily criticized especially because of her portrayal of a poorly written character and Jennifer Lawrence is quirky and silly but also in a very “unladylike” manner and she’s revered and adored and that celebrity culture demeans women who don’t want to be viewed as friendly and polite? what point are you trying to make

chickenyaoi:

coolator:

the-unpopular-opinions:

One of these women is despised and hated for being awkward.

The other is applauded and worshipped for the exact same reason.

I know other factors come into play.

But something isn’t right there.

im laughing so hard what point are they trying to make?

that Kristen Stewart isn’t very “ladylike” and personable in an unfriendly way and gets heavily criticized especially because of her portrayal of a poorly written character and Jennifer Lawrence is quirky and silly but also in a very “unladylike” manner and she’s revered and adored and that celebrity culture demeans women who don’t want to be viewed as friendly and polite? what point are you trying to make

(via yeoldeblogge)

facts-i-just-made-up:

darrynek:

These pics were taken one second apart
Lightning is REALLY BRIGHT

That’s the thing though, this isn’t lightning. The photos were both taken in daytime, the right photo being the normal condition. What you’re seeing in the left photo is a darkning strike.
Darkning is 50,000 times more rare than lightning, in fact most storms will never have a single instance of it. But when static charges between clouds become so energized that the electricity begins to form its own gravity, a black hole like the one created at CERN is briefly formed, sucking up all the light in the area and resulting in a brief “unflash” of darkning.
Less dangerous than lightning, Darkning lasts for a shorter time and you’d have to be within the event horizon to be harmed by it. Despite thousands a year dying of lightning strikes, only one man has ever been recorded as killed in a darkning strike, and that man was Lewis Caroll, author of Alice in Wonderland, which many historians believe he wrote based on that strange and fatal experience.

facts-i-just-made-up:

darrynek:

These pics were taken one second apart

Lightning is REALLY BRIGHT

That’s the thing though, this isn’t lightning. The photos were both taken in daytime, the right photo being the normal condition. What you’re seeing in the left photo is a darkning strike.

Darkning is 50,000 times more rare than lightning, in fact most storms will never have a single instance of it. But when static charges between clouds become so energized that the electricity begins to form its own gravity, a black hole like the one created at CERN is briefly formed, sucking up all the light in the area and resulting in a brief “unflash” of darkning.

Less dangerous than lightning, Darkning lasts for a shorter time and you’d have to be within the event horizon to be harmed by it. Despite thousands a year dying of lightning strikes, only one man has ever been recorded as killed in a darkning strike, and that man was Lewis Caroll, author of Alice in Wonderland, which many historians believe he wrote based on that strange and fatal experience.

(Source: panerasexual, via yeoldeblogge)

kingkitsu:

smoothierox:

ifollowbadblogs:

"you’re an adult now"

image

"you need to choose a career"

image

"you need to make your own doctor’s appointment"
image

(via guthried)

cabbage-vendor:

youraverageinsanity:

petboyfriend:

me avoiding all my responsibilities

did she just kick a laser beam in half

Feminism

cabbage-vendor:

youraverageinsanity:

petboyfriend:

me avoiding all my responsibilities

did she just kick a laser beam in half

Feminism

(Source: lasenggah, via edfuckery)

fantasticalbicycle:

Out of context this looks like it’s from some progressive gay show, but in reality she’s literally trying to stop him from killing two babies and trapping their souls in a haunted house

(Source: rouxx, via edfuckery)

(Source: tempella, via greeenarrow)

captainpepperoni:

*burns eyes off* *maintains pristine eyebrow game*

captainpepperoni:

*burns eyes off* *maintains pristine eyebrow game*

(Source: mrgolightly, via edfuckery)